How to stay safe when BDSM dating online

BDSM dating sites are the perfect places to find a love that satisfies the heart as well as kinky desires. More relationships than ever now begin online, and the kink community is, on the whole, a safe and welcoming place to be. But you are as vulnerable to scammers, trolls and predators (not the good kind) on a kink site as on any other online platform.

Dating sites take safety and privacy seriously, but you also need to decide for yourself whether your BDSM match is genuine. Here are the precautions worth taking.

Protect your identity

Use the tools you're given. On Subs and Doms you can report, block or hide anyone who makes you uncomfortable, and you should never hesitate to use them. Aggressive or illegal behaviour has no place here.

Keep identifying details back. Don't share your full name, hometown, phone number, email or workplace in your profile, your username or your first conversations. Check your photos for street signs, front doors, uniforms and number plates too.

Keep your kink life separate. Limit what you share on other platforms. Because of the stigma that still surrounds BDSM, most people prefer separate accounts anyway. Not sure what's out there about you? Search your own name.

Use photos that don't appear anywhere else. A reverse image search takes seconds. If your dating photo also sits on your Instagram or Facebook, someone could find you there.

Spot a fake profile

Check their photos. If the dominatrix you've matched with has no bio, a single picture or a set of model-style shots, be cautious. A reverse image search will show whether the photos belong to someone else.

Never send money. However convincing the story, never respond to a request for money, especially by wire transfer or to someone overseas. Report it straight away.

Watch for love-bombing. Be wary of anyone who declares undying love within days. It's easy to get swept up in the idea of romance, but you don't really know this person yet.

Before you meet

Video chat first. A video call confirms they are who they say they are. Alarm bells should ring if they keep finding reasons to avoid one.

Talk on the phone. A phone call picks up the tone and cues that messages hide.

Ignore "real submissive" pressure. In a dom/sub dynamic, be wary of anyone who says "you're not a true submissive if you don't..." or "a real submissive would do what I say." You owe nobody obedience until you have agreed to give it. There are plenty of dominants who respect a submissive's limits here, so there is no reason to settle for one who doesn't.

Keep play off the first date. Ideally, save BDSM play until after the first date, once you've seen each other in person and started to build trust. Play on a first date is never mandatory, and be careful about performing on webcam for someone you haven't met.

Trust your instincts

They're called instincts for a reason. If something feels off, leave the date early or stop replying. Don't worry about seeming rude; your welfare comes first.

Before you start chatting, it's worth reading our guides to a BDSM dating profile that protects your privacy and telling a date you're into BDSM. BDSM is about expressing your sexuality, and it is never only about sex. As the saying goes, it's better to be safe than sorry. Stay safe, play fair and have fun!